- "Cadet Strife was an unmitigated nightmare of the likes which had never graced Shinra's doorstep either before or after his employment. Sephiroth couldn't shake the overwhelming sensation that Strife was perhaps a little too knowledgeable about the company's inner workings for a cadet only a week into his employment with the company."
After the end of the world, Sephiroth drags himself and Cloud Strife into the past, must to Cloud's consternation. They end up as entities in the past version of Cloud Strife. This results in Cloud ending up as something of a Cloudcuckoolander.
The fanfiction Cadetship Calamity is written by AMournfulHowlInTheNight, author of Conversations with a Cryptid, Cardiac Arrest, and Sith Lord Swell. It can be read here
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Cadetship Calamity contains the following tropes:
- Accidental Murder: Cloud's use of sugar tongs to deal with a particularly noxious monster leads to them contaminating the sugar on the cart, which leads to both Hojo and Hollander having their digestive tracks dissolved.
- Adaptational Heroism: Sephiroth, who ends up much more well-adjusted, thanks to the efforts of Cloud. After hearing about Jenova from Cloud, he plans to torch it with his Phoenix summon.
- Adoptive Peer Parent: Sephiroth is sixteen when he adopts the ten-year-old Cloud.
- Adorable Abomination: Noodles, Cloud's pet malboro. He's friendly, well-behaved, and likes hugs, but he's still a tentacle monster with More Teeth than the Osmond Family.
- And There Was Much Rejoicing: No one is upset about Hojo dying, save for the paperwork that ensues. Those working at Shinra generally agree that the company is better off without him.
- Animate Inanimate Object: After the science labs fall into chaos, some of the everyday objects like mops and desks gain sentience and begin either causing chaos or helping staff members with their duties, depending on how well they're treated. Sephiroth's desk is noted to be particularly good at its job.
- Bavarian Fire Drill: Done unintentionally by Cloud. He's seen walking calmly with Nanaki and puts in a good word for him, so Nanaki is allowed to do as he pleases while in Shinra.
- Benevolent Boss: Sephiroth, surprisingly enough, at least for Cloud. He takes the boy under his wing as a way to monitor him and keep him out of the hands of those worse than him, but never gives Cloud more work than he can handle and makes sure to protect him from those with unsavory intentions.
- Beyond the Impossible: By getting rid of Hojo and Hollander, Shinra was able to reduce Science's spending by 300%, meaning that the department is somehow making twice as much money as it previously cost to keep running.
- Brick Joke: In chapter seven, Spiky's description of Jenova causes Cloud to imagine her as a chocobo, and Spiky notes that in this timeline Cloud is more likely to try and ride anything with wings rather than listen to them monologue. In chapter nine, without any other memories to draw on for her form, Jenova appears as a pink-and-purple chocobo which Cloud proceeds to tame and ride.
- Brown Note: Jenova, especially to Cloud and his headmates. While the three of them do what they can to make it work while together, Jenova's presence is enough to unnerve all of them, and as they get closer Cloud becomes physically ill.
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Cloud is certainly odd, but he's very good at whatever he applies himself to, whether that be monster slaying, secretarial work, or chocobo taming.
- Cloudcuckoolander: Cloud. He beats up all of the other cadets, breaks Hojo's arm, kills a monster with a plunger, tongs, and a soap dispenser, poisons Hojo with the residue of the monster left on the tongs, and befriends multiple monsters.
- Combat Pragmatist: Cloud. He pulls no punches in any of his fights and will use every tool at his disposal.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: Cloud Strife versus an entire cafeteria of cadets, all of whom are older and stronger than him. He proceeds to wipe the floor with them, with the last two only escaping due to staying out of the fight and fleeing at the first opportunity.
- Disappeared Dad: Cloud was told that his dad died in the war and never questioned it, but as Not-Sephiroth notes, Cloud's dad was obviously important, as Cloud was different even before falling into mako and surviving.
- Fluffy Tamer: Cloud has a way with monsters, especially monsters made by Shinra. He adopts a possessed mop that helps him with his chores, the microwave in the break room adores him and begs for pets, and he has a pet malboro named Noodles.
- Giving Up on Logic: After a certain point Genesis decides to roll with the punches and acclimates to the possessed cleaning supplies and furniture. He even extols the virtues of Sephiroth's haunted desk to an unamused Angeal.
- Good Parents: Claudia Strife. She and Cloud clearly adore each other, and she's equally warm and welcoming to Sephiroth when he visits.
- Happily Adopted: Cloud takes being adopted by Sephiroth in stride, and Tifa is ecstatic that he has a dad again.
- Hearing Voices: Cloud gains two permanent headmates after falling into the mako pits (the future versions of Sephiroth and Cloud, dubbed Non-Sephiroth and Spiky respectively), who are generally benevolent if a bit loud. However, all three of them are afraid of Jenova whenever she speaks up, which is why Cloud ran as far and as fast as he could away from Nibelheim.
- Improbable Weapon User: Cloud will use anything and everything around him to win a fight, whether that be sugar tongs, a soap dispenser, or a possessed mop.
- Insane Troll Logic: Nibelheim's adults run on this, aside from Claudia Strife, if Sephiroth is to be believed. They see Cloud falling into a pool of mako as a child as his fault, instead of a sign of neglect on the sign of the adults.
- Jerkass: It's no surprise that Hojo is this, trying to drag a child down into Science to run experiments on him.
- Mad Scientist: Hojo is widely acknowledged as one, and once he and his second-in-command are removed from their ability to lead the Science department of Shinra due to their stomachs melting, the department's overhead reduces threefold.
- Mental Time Travel: Sephiroth and Cloud in a previous timeline end up inhabiting the mind of this timeline's Cloud. While Sephiroth apparently had enough power to alter his own conception to a better father, the most we see them doing on-screen is advising Cloud and lending their experience to help him win fights.
- Mind Hive: After falling into the mako pits Cloud gains the future versions of Sephiroth and Cloud (dubbed Non-Sephiroth and Spiky, respectively), where the two provide color commentary and guidance.
- The Nicknamer: Cloud gives nicknames to the future versions of himself and Sephiroth, calling them "Spiky" and "Not-Sephiroth".
- Oblivious Adoption: Cloud doesn't realize that Sephiroth is adopting him until Spiky points it out to him.
- One-Man Army: Cloud is this due to his mako exposure and the experience of his two passengers. He's able to completely wipe out the dragon population in Nibelheim, take on an entire cafeteria of cadets in only a few minutes, and can overwhelm any enemy pointed his way.
- Only Sane by Comparison: Sephiroth is still a child soldier working for Shinra, but his ability to handle Cloud and his authority means he's the one that everyone goes to whenever Cloud's nonsense reaches a peak.
- Papa Wolf: Sephiroth takes Cloud under his wing and quickly becomes protective of him. He punches out one of Hojo's assistants after the man tries to get tissue samples from Cloud, he has nothing but murderous rage towards Jenova for the pain she's putting Cloud through, and after hearing what Nibelheim was like for Cloud, Sephiroth plans to extract Claudia before burning it to ashes.
- Related in the Adaptation: Due to the meddling of the Whispers and past Sephiroth, this timeline's Sephiroth is actually the child of Lucrecia Crescent and Vincent Valentine.
- Running Gag: Sephiroth's door getting broken off its hinges whenever people have news for him.
- Super-Soldier: Sephiroth, Genesis, and Angael, the by-products of Project S. It's a general point that anyone at the level of a First-Class SOLDIER has mako enhancements, with the only person ever compared to them being Cloud, who fell into a pool of mako.
